no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
