I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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