I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
