Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
