Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
