sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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