I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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