Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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