3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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