Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
