never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
