I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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