the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
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