I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
