i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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