just come out here and I will go home with you...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
How's work?
Spinning.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
