This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
