I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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