What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
