The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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