the new term for farting is butt boxing.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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