Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
