Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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