Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
