how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
