you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
