I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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