I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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