Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
