My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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