she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
