Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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