You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
