I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
