The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
