you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
