Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
