meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
