but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
