Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
