bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
