John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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