see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
