I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
