During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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