It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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