I think i peed on brittanys purse
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
