remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
