I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
