is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
